I hate that moment when you realize you’re coming undone at your seams… Everything is crashing down around me..
I miss you, but I don’t want to. I want to be stronger than that… I want to hate you, to never feel the tiniest bit of pain whenever I say or hear your name..
I guess that’s what my life is going to come to, living the rest of it in a slow hell because I will always have that pain from missing you and hating myself for doing so… I hate that I’ll have to see you for the rest of our lives, and knowing that I’ll always be wondering what could have been….
I hate what my life has become.
First post in a VERY long time.! Especially since last post my Bugga was only a month and a half old, and she’s now 7 1/2.!
My posts from this point on will be complete venting, and expressing everything that I’m feeling at this point.. It’s beyond time to do this again.!
Well, Bugga is getting huge, she can officially crawl and when she wants, sit on her own and feed herself big girl food.! I’m one proud mommy, and can’t imagine life without her. <3
I am pregnant with another little girl now. She wasn’t planned, but I can’t imagine life any other way. Only thing I don’t like about pregnancy is that I can’t completely control my feelings.
Rain (babies dad) and I broke up within the past month, he’s now with some other chick.. He apparently went to jail two nights ago because of getting into a physical fight with her.. She’s trash, and he’s following her suit..
It kills me constantly knowing that my girls wont have their daddy. I wanted their lives to be different, and I think that’s why I fought so hard to stay with him eventhough I know truly deep down I don’t want to be with him anymore.. A year and a half later and I still love him with all of me.:( I don’t really know what happened in that relationship, and I know I could go and blame it all on him, because honestly, most of it is his fault, but I can take some responsibility in the fallout. So far he’s failed my Bugga, and I am slowly starting to hate him because of how he’s treating her. She’s my world and at one point, I thought she was his also… Apparently I was 110% wrong.. He has seen her once when I took her up to his work, and she was asleep at that point.
I hatenot knowing what I should do.. I know I should try to shield her from all of this.. But, in the end, will it really be shielding her or giving her more reason to hate me…?
I think this is enough for my first post in a while.. Probably post again later. Tata.!
Newest Chapter
Well, my daughter is finally here.!(: She’s a month and a half old today. Last night I had one of the scariest moments of my life, and I had to take her to the hospital. After almost 12 hours of testing, poking prodding, IVs, x-rays, ultrasounds and being transported an hour away to a different hospital we found out it’s only a stomach bug and acid reflux. It could have been A LOT worse.! I’m so thankful my little love bug will be okay.(:
We’re home now, and she’s doing alright. Giving her grape Pedialyte (nummy nummies), and a bottle every so often. She’s still sick, and fussy, but hopefully that will go away soon. It’s MISERABLE watching the love of your life being sick, and just hoping that everything will be okay, and not knowing what was going on. Soo thankful she’s okay, and yes I did repeat that.!
Her dad went to the hospital with us last night, and is still over right now. I don’t know what I would have done if he wouldn’t have been there.. He has always been there to hold me and soothe me when I was in need. Last night, I just couldn’t even attempt to hold back all my frustration and sadness from watching my little girl get an IV in her. That entire time, he was holding me, trying to soothe me. He was there for it all.<3
I also have come to the realization that I want to be either a neonatal nurse, or a ultrasound-tech. I love both. We will see where that takes me.!(: I have such big dreams and hopes for the future, and I hope each and everyone of them come true.! I want my babies life to be perfect.<3
But, it’s ta-ta for now seems dinner is done. Thanks for listening to me rant again.!(:
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